Celebration of life services may be listened to on this page.
*****
There are things in my heart that I don’t know that I can’t adequately express. I have fasted nearly every week for Katie and Aspen the last few years for their deliverance. I was expecting a different direction than the one the Lord had in mind. But I acknowledge his timing is perfect and his ways are compassionate.
Last Friday a couple days after Katie passed, my daughter Holly decided she was going to go to the temple but she didn’t want to go alone, so I consented to go with her and we did some sealings. If you aren’t familiar with that term, contact me later.
We then went to the Celestial room to pray and meditate for a little bit. Actually, it was more of an alternating between prayer and celestial sleep as we were both quite exhausted from the events of the prior days.
As I was struggling to pray for answers, and stay awake, I remembered a talk given some time ago that essentially said, we should pray to ask questions, but then search the scriptures to find answers.
I opened my eyes and Holly’s eyes were closed with scriptures sitting on her lap. I reached over and gently took them. I’m not a big believer in just opening the scriptures up to a random verse and getting an answer that way, but as my eyes began to focus on the page I opened to, they first settled on verse 66 of Jacob 5 and I read this:
“For it grieveth me that I should lose the trees of my vineyard;”
What a verse. I accidentally woke Holly with some of those heaving sobs.
God knows us .
After applying this to me, my horizon expanded and I felt the greater truth of God’s infinite love for his precious children. It grieves Him to lose them and sometimes he needs us to understand that pain so we will cherish our relationships and work to save as many of his children as possible.
He is the most compassionate being in the universe and yet he knows that he has to give us the experiences that will break us, so in our broken state we can turn our hearts more perfectly towards him. When our ground runs dry, the only place to get water is to send your roots deeper into the ground to survive.
Two days ago, I woke up and thought I would check Katie’s phone in case someone had replied to any of the texts I’d sent a few of her friends. Her home screen caught me off guard. I’d seen it many times but in that moment it was brand new to me.
It’s a picture of steps ascending into heavenly ethereal mist with a woman dressed in a white gown ascending the steps. That was Katie’s great desire, to return home.
We all come to earth with a curriculum. Some segments are linear, some spiral around on events to make sure we learn the lessons we are supposed to learn. Sometimes it feels like we’re cramming for the final exam.
Truth be told, several times during our marriage and the trials we faced, I have mentally buried Katie thinking she had reached the limits and wouldn’t survive. At times I didn’t know how I would survive.
With her passing, a flood of emotions has been present. One constant one which I intend to learn from, are the regrets of many little things I wish I’d done better. Katie helped refine me and make me a better man. She had many traits I needed to acquire by her example. I didn’t do that well enough while she was alive. I realized this morning that in breaking the heart, it heals by just opens it more for
Katie and I have shared so many great memories over the years raising our family. We’ve also shared in the struggles that we endured that drove us to our knees begging for answers. Some of those answers took time and others never came unless her passing was that answer.
But I look forward to a glorious reunion with Katie. I’ve actually seen that day. The Lord blessed me in a momentary glimpse a few years ago when I laid my hands on her head to give her a blessing. I know we will be reunited with each other.
Her mortal testing brought her to have a special, close relationship with her Heavenly parents as she reached her limits over and over again.
Rain falls on everyone. Sometimes it pours. But heavy rain washes away the accumulated debris in front of us so we can see the path more clearly.
The Lord tells us in the Doctrine and Covenants,
D&C 42:45. “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die, and more especially for those that have not hope of a glorious resurrection.”
We have loved and we have wept, and I am thankful we have the hope of a glorious resurrection.
Isaiah wrote (61:3) that the Messiah’s mission would be:
“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion,
to give unto them beauty for ashes,
the oil of joy for mourning,
the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
that they might be called trees of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord,
that he might be glorified.”
This verse has never felt more applicable to me. The word trees in this verse comes from Hebrew Ayil, which is the word for Oak. This is literally my verse, and I fully expect these promises from the Lord to be fulfilled in my life.
On Tuesday, a friend sent me a song to listen to by the group Casting Crowns called “Just be Held.”
One of the song’s lyrics says, “Your world is not falling apart, it’s falling into place.” So true. I don’t comprehend how, but I know the death of winter is followed by life in spring. God turns ashes to beauty and mourning to joy. Heaviness will be turned to the praise of God.
One Valentine’s day a few years ago, I decided to give Katie a list of 100 things I loved and appreciated about her. Let me tell you, after you write the first easy ones, you really have to ponder your life together.
I thank God for giving me Katie for these past 31 years and praise his mercy in releasing her from what she suffered. We have so many positive memories. Good times with each other and friends. She had an easy laugh. She was quick to forgive and surprised me many times with that gift. She was fun and energetic. Even these last few years, she would get up in the morning, get ready for the day, and then spend most of the day in bed, but she wanted to make sure she was taking care of herself.
God gives and God takes away and he doesn’t do it for arbitrary reasons. He does it from a position of perfect love and mercy. He knows what will ultimately bring about our greatest joy and happiness. He’s not interested in temporary fixes. He wants permanency. He wants us in a sure place, nailed there without any shifting around, anchored in place.
Sometimes that anchor feels like a nail through the heart until we finally feel wounded enough to know that only through God can we endure.
We have stressed over our daughter Savanna’s wedding next week and how Katie would manage. I bought her a knee scooter the day before she passed away and still wondered how we would manage to keep her active for a full day.
With her release from mortality, she can now attend everything. And she is now a second guardian for our family.
In the lobby and soon to hang in our home are AI generated pictures of righteous warrior women with Aspen and Katie’s faces. They are our guardians. If you haven’t seen them yet, take a look as you leave or on my Facebook page later. I think they turned out amazing.
What does it mean to be faithful? One thing it means is that when you’re a tree and get hit by a pile of… challenges you spread that stuff around and use it as fertilizer to grow from.
God’s timing is divine. We don’t always see the path forward, but it’s there. He promises to strengthen our shoulders to bear the burdens placed upon us. I believe that promise to be real and I have been blessed by Him beyond imagination.
Like Nephi, I glory in my God, his goodness and mercy. His perfect plan. His curriculum for our mortal journeys. I know we will be reunited. We are separated, but inseparable.
The Psalmist wrote, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”
Man is that he might have joy. Sometimes that joy has to follow sorrow so that we more greatly appreciate the contrast.
Our principles can’t change just because of life experiences. They might be from divine intervention, or divine tests which God himself administers for our benefit. They might be the result of personal choices, or just the tragic experiences of mortality.
Regardless, life is easier when we understand God’s plan and submit ourselves to it.
Submission is the path forward. It is the path of joy and the plan of happiness.
My heart is filled with love, for my Savior, for Katie, Aspen, my family, and all of you. May God comfort you as he has given me hope.
Discover more from Aspen Norton
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.